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Aff W. 100793
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Sunday, January 8, 2012
a whole month without meeting him takes quite sometime to getting used to. a whole month of restricted phone calls takes a while to adapt to. it's only the fifth day that you left and everything starts feeling like crap.

i thought of writing about the joy and bull about being with you, but after that short phone call, i couldn't be the least bothered. ugh.

2011
Friday, January 6, 2012
Well, it's been sometime that I actually took the time to sit in front of my macbook and stare at this blank box for about few minutes to start figuring out what I should write or rather blog about. Seeing that i've been too busy with the school and whatnots. Maybe I should sum up my 2011? maybe I should. So, lets begin(i may or may not miss anything out, so mind me.

January: I've finally exposed myself to the working world and I swear finding a job is
no easy task, waiting by the phone for calls and constantly cheking the mail for any replies for the next interview and after a few attempts of that and more, I had finally got myself a job as an admin assistant. Okay, the job is dull and I have nothing much to do, but the people I've befriended there are the best and such a joy to be with. Oh, and not forgetting the great and splendid time I had with the classmates from Yuhua over a two day chalet at loyang(if im not mistaken) although, I only stayed for a while, it was fun to be able to meet and have a little party before the results. And the results was a blow in my face, though I have expected that to happen. So, let's just skip all the boring details of little heartbreaks and the usual work that I had to do.

February-March: Nothing really exciting happened here, I was working 6 days a week, almost 9hours a day keying in the same bullshit, walking in and out of the warehouse to look for missing items, slacking at the isolated place behind the office and of course, David. Where should I start? Dated for a bit and he left me a few months later for his on and off girlfriend of ten years. It was fucked that I had to go through that, but I was pretty much content with the money that's been rolling into my bank to even weep over that.

April: The only recollection I have of that month was * drum rolls * SCHOOL. The first day of school, not only was I a wee bit late, but I was also lost looking for the lecture theater. Got in and took a quick look of the new classmates or schoolmates that I was going to have. Like many first days of school I had, I try to play it cool and not try to talk to anyone and keep myself reserved. Everything was foreign, afterall it was a rather huge transition from being in secondary school and straight to taking my diploma. The classmates that I am blessed with are the best anyone could ever ask for. With our disgustingly crude jokes, the silly/odd antics everyone does and the daily dose of laughter, the idea of going to school has never been a chore.

May-July : I am mostly busy with the presentations, assignements, exams and looking forward to moving to the second and last semester of my certification. Aside from all that, I dont think I had anything going on for me. But celebrating my 18th birthday. I won't really go into detail, but those who were there, thank you for making it worthwhile. Maybe somewhere between May-September I was working odd jobs, here and there. Doing surveys around town for three to four hours with Charlene, waitressing for less than an hour with Sharmila and such.
And also Sentosa with the classmates and the countless impulsive lucnh dates we had.

September: I know I skipped a month, but im not too much of a fan of the fasting month, so yes if you really want to know, all I did was sleep in and wake up when it was time to eat. Celebrated Mubarak with the family and friends, though I wasn't in the festive mood and it wasn't as festive as it was when I was much younger cus i'm deprived of getting the green packets at a few houses that I visited. Also supporting our classmate Nic, for her New Paper, New Face competition.
And of course, knowing the boy; Shabri or rather, my boyfriend. And bidding goodbye to one of the closest classmate I had, wee.

October-December: The past two months came by in a whirl for me to even remember what I did. Juggling school, friends and also the boy.
I'd have to say that despite the many setbacks I had in 2011, i've got the best people around me to compensate that.

2012, come at me- even if I didn't have one of the “perfect start”.

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Sunday, September 18, 2011
im becoming what i promised myself never to be
i will not let my insecurity take over me
and destroy all that i love
suck it up and appreciate what i have
some things don’t happen everyday in life

goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend


i'll be a better person tomorrow

Monday, August 29, 2011
it's almost impossible for me to sum all that im going through and feeling right now into few sentences. i havent been writing for a long time now, due school and also the few distractions i have; like the tv, interet and mobile. or i can just blame on my low intelectual feed.

the one thing that i fear most is being average, or rather mediocre. everyone wants to stand out, or at least almost everyone i know claims to be unique or an individual. ever felt like what you're doing seems extraordinary and beyond the norm. yeah, well that. has never happened to me. maybe everyone hasn't. no one wants to be mediocre. but at 18, i've come to realise that being extraordinary is no longer an inbread thing but rather something you consiously make effort to be? "everyone is born special" is bullshit. but let’s face it: society, it’s just a huge amalgam of rules we grow up learning, rebelling and revolve our lives around, and eventually, people cross that point in their lives and realize, “That’s it.” They’ve dissolved into a whiskey of mediocrity, and once you’re in it, it doesn’t feel that bad any more. At least everyone else is mediocre. It’s like swimming in a pool packed with other swimmers, but you remain contented, for as long as you have your own little square foot of water to swim in, even if it means not going anywhere.

And this, this fear, is somehow correlated with maturity isn’t it? Growing older and growing more mature, more conventional, more “mediocre”? Is that it? Is it something we all go through and emerge, either permanently mediocre and longing we never settled for anything more than normal? Or crazy, whack, aged and wonderfully psychedelic? Or do we face it each single day, but this time, the roles are reversed, and the extraordinary is something no longer desirable, by which you know you’re doomed to conformity?
I’m scared of waking up one day and realizing I don’t have the life I’ll be proud of penning down someday, of people wishing they’d had the courage to do, or had the indecision or impulse of going through and realizing that it was a lesson worth learning. Am I the only person who feels this way?

Sunday, July 10, 2011
10th July.
Today, I am 18. Today, I am….. still no one.
What do I have to be proud of? What have I accomplished for the past 18 years?
Today, I will try to change. Today, I’ll try to make a difference.
From a distance, I can hear a hallow voice chant the same thing, almost mocking repeatedly.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Aff. Happy birthday to you.”

For the people who stuck through the years and those who didn’t, I love you.

At least I think I do.


I’m capsizing, sinking.
Just this time, I’ll allow myself to fall.

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Goodbye.
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